I'll not say that I'm in a personal relationship with my computer, but when the hard drive crashed for the second time (Thanks Jobs!!), I didn't have the panicked response that I had with the first crash. Those initial empty days were merciless. But this time, I was really hurt deep in my soul. I tried to maintain some kind of spiritual high ground but alas, I slumped into the void. The dark pit of despair overwhelmed me with thoughts of never getting back to where we used to be. I mean, it was almost perfect.
The desire was gone. I questioned everything. Was I just fooling myself? I could not see how the good feelings could ever return. I thought of former loves and how they captivated my interest for so long. But now, would any of them want me back? Could I ever genuinely be back with them knowing how a matchless joy had filled my days ...and nights. It was so special just for us to be alone. There was no judgment, I received only gentle correction and I thought I had unconditional support.
More truthfully, I allowed myself to be lulled into believing we could get through anything. I had to believe the commitment was mutual. Perhaps I was too complacent and took for granted the amazing display of miracles that was continually before me. I had to go on with what was now foreign to me. But attempted replacements were only reminders of how much better it had been previously, nothing could compare.
It was already too late when I realized that I had no sense of self. Everything that I was came with the daily interactions, the ever present reminders, the accumulation of memories, and the unimagined accomplishments. Hours would go by and neither would tire of the other's company. There was always the anticipation of the next time we could be together for so long. What happiness!
Just as I was beginning to put together another life, finding something of myself in other things and convincing myself how it was good that I was no longer being kept from simple joys, it returned. My initial eagerness was based on the chance of everything being the same again. But I soon learned differently. Neither of us were all there. Things needed to be fixed. A strange awkwardness set in. The sought after comfortableness was strained to the point of disappointment and thoughts of just having to settle weren't far away.
Even with a new hard drive, we could not dispel the shared feelings of damaged goods. On top of that, the look had changed and the behaviors were different. Some of the things that I loved the most were gone. I'm sure the opposite was true as well. There was no way this could be better. I found myself asking, "Why did you do that?" But something familiar was still there. Not everything had changed or was missing. It still took a time of reserved involvement before I determined that I owed it to what we had before not to strive for the completeness that we once knew.
Loading down a new operating system, replacing the missing applications and searching for the latest updates was necessary for both of us. Things were better but still something was missing, even after the familiarity and confidence began to return. Perhaps with all the changes, we were a little wiser, maybe even more mature?
It did seem that we might get back to spending long hours together again and have a sense of recovered happiness. But there will always be some caution and reserve. That's just the way it is. We're both coming to accept the dissonance. It's like any other great relationship. Sh** Err... Stuff happens!
BONUS PIC
